Conflict Management

Drew and I just left the lecture Steve Childers gave titled “Conflict Management.” Wow, wow, and more wow. I really am having a hard time discussing this because it was very convicting. I always know the gospel is provoking change because the incision is deep. There were several things that painfully gripped me. Things I know, but I don’t do. Things I’ve learned, but I don’t apply. Things that are in-step with the Gospel, when I am not. Let me give some personal reflection:

1-Church conflict is inevitable. To be a church planter is to be involved in a dynamic not static movement. In other words, there is always going to be some form of growth (planted things should grow) and growth means change and change means conflict. Growth=change=conflict. Anything growing is changing and morphing and people don’t usually enjoy change. So, we can’t be shocked that conflict comes our way. It is a form of self-righteousness to assume that we would not endure the pain of conflict when all other churches have and must experience the pain of change. This does not mean we look for it or ask for it, but we certainly should expect it.

2-If you are a church planter, you are involved in a changing entity which means you are a conflict manager. As elders, we have no choice but to develop the necessary gospel muscles to best handle conflict so that we’re not handled by it.

3-When conflict comes (and it will), resolve to receive conflict as an assignment for the Gospel. God has brought this conflict to us, not chance. This means that it is for His glory and our good. The glory of God must be central to our managing of conflict. The gospel must be set loose to do its job in such situations. This assignment is given to us by our Father to bring Him praise, honor, glory, and love. He is glorified when He is depended on through conflict, so let’s not short-circuit the process by trying to avoid it.

4-One way to check ourselves against the Gospel to see how we are doing with conflict is to ask the questions; “How do you handle praise? How high will praise take me emotionally? How low will criticism take me emotionally?” When asking these questions, we begin to see how captive we are to others assessments of us (both positive and negative) and how much of a slave we are to the idol of approval.

5-We must distinguish between “Healthy Conflict: Disagreements & Unhealthy Conflict: Antagonism.” There are several forms of antagonism which can undermine a leaders work for the Gospel which is the work of the Church, the Bride of Christ. We were asked to pick a couple of “antagonisms” which we have seen in our ministry most recently. The two that came to mind most recently were:

The antagonism of the “nameless others.” This is a criticism which is couched in “There are quite a few people that think this…or, I know that I’m not the only one that isn’t happy…or, I’ve heard that several people from the church are upset about…” Then when pressed, this person responds in a feigned pious posture by claiming that they have too much integrity to mention any names. Almost always their case is exaggerated and the reason they don’t give names is because they have very few. If they do have quite a number, more than likely they are the central antagonist spurring on this “concern.” Instead of protecting the integrity of Christ’s Bride and her chosen servants, they willingly engage in gossip and trample ministers of the Gospel under their foot for their cause. This is not only personally offensive to the individual who has to endure their character being slandered or competency being questions behind their back, this is a personal affront to Christ who is the head of the Church and who is the protector of His leaders He has ordained to act as under-shepherds.

The antagonism of “I gotcha!” This is an individual that has a strange attraction to correction. He or she will wait to catch the pastor or person in a word trap. They enjoy pointing out the faults you’ve committed and take pride that they were smart enough to correct you. They feel they have the right to offer their “advice” because they claim it is for the good of the other person. Now, we need to be careful with this one because there are some that are genuinely concerned and that God has called to be your Nathan to call you out when you are not in-line with the Gospel. This is not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about someone who is seemingly obsessed with nit-picky minutia. They pick small semantical issues or play Devil’s advocate to show you that there is not just your way, but another that you didn’t mention. Bottom line, they love to tell you “gotcha!”

Without getting into some other material which is all very good, let me offer some suggestions which seem basic, but are rarely followed when dealing with conflict. There are two types of peacemaking:

1-Personal Peacemaking

Overlook the offense (Prov. 19:11). It is to our glory to overlook an offense. It is only when our conscience has been damaged that we take it to the next step.

Go the person in private. Instead of gossiping or harboring bitterness and resentment, we are to go to the person in grace seeking to speak the truth in love to restore our fellowship with one another. This needs to begin with repentance and confession of your own personal sin and part you’ve played before ever speaking about their issue.

Negotiation. When the person doesn’t see clearly what you are saying, you need to negotiate a compromise of position if you feel their heart is not proud but they simply don’t agree or see it. We can not play the role of the Holy Spirit, therefore, we need to be willing to back out if their view has a reasonable objection to ours.

2-Assisted Peacemaking

Mediation. We must be willing to bring one or two others who are grace centered and we should be looking for others that the person we are in conflict with respects. Try to find an objective person who is not personally involved or hurt by their actions. This is to take place when personal peacemaking has failed. How many times are we to try to discuss our problem one on one? The Bible doesn’t say, this is only necessary if the first steps have been exhausted and their is still conflict or bitterness/anger/resentment.

Arbitration. This may be more than a few meetings. Some may not immediately come around the first time you approach them with one or two others. So, we might need to have others act as an outside counsel and seek the opinion of the other person/s you brought. You might ask “am I off on this?” Sometimes those objective parties are better at seeing what you can not. If this fails, it is then time to bring it to the elder/s. The person should be made aware that that is what you are doing and you should also have the 1 or 2 you brought with you to give a more objective description of the process up to that point. The elders will then make recommendations after gathering the necessary information and praying/thinking/reading (though timely) about the situation. A rush to judgment is ill-advised.

Church Discipline. If the person is not repentant, if they are not seeking peace, do not exhibit a desire to reconcile, and do not listen to the elders, they are to be disciplined by the church. This is another subject I’ll talk about at a different time, but the motivation is always to be for reconciliation of the individuals involved and reconciliation between the person and God. Even under discipline, we are not to act as judge or to apply punishment. We can judge, but we submit ourselves to THE JUDGE in humility and pray for the person’s soul. Treating them like a tax collector or sinner has a richer meaning than cutting them off and hating them. Who was Christ said to have pursued and spent time with? Tax collectors and sinners. We treat them like we would someone we desire to see won to Christ by the splendor of the Gospel by the power of the Spirit.

Yes there are exceptions, but this is more of a reflection for me than it is a comprehensive list of do’s and don’ts for you!

This session stung, and I have some repenting to do.

Drew Goodmanson also posted on this topic.